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finally, i've gotten a proper razor collection, wasn't even that hard, i don't know what took me so long, all i know is that i've been taking good care of my wounds and more importantly, got some nice scars in now. before anybody claws into my asshole, i stated very obviously i'm pro-sh, so if you are going to throw a fit, why are you here lol? holidays are coming up, my friends got me some cool gifts, and more importantly, its the countdown until i don't have to go into school for an entire week -- not to say i hate it but...well i'm depressed and hate getting up in the morning lol. anyways i got another sex toy, goodbye my dick ts about to get fucking anhillated .
depression: 7/10, anxiety: 2/10 mood: people who say garbage isnt good have no taste lawl |
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well, im fucking miserable, before that, i got into the simpsons, i haven't ever seen it in my life and it is good, i want skinner to put his fingers in my mouth and corporal punish my ass, maybe make me food bc i'm lazy. okay, happy times are over, me and my fwb are having a bad time and they pavlov dog'ed my ass, and are now mad at the fact i reacted weirdly to the fact that like...my routine was broken. i have a terrible case of OCD, routines and schedules are important, if a situation doesnt go the way i assumed it would go, i get irrationally upset. if somebody promises something, and then doesnt go through with it, i get upset. it's obvious. i duon't know, if anybody is willingly to deal with my needlessly sexual bs and urge to get fucked, then feel free to dm me i guess.
depression: 6/10, anxiety: 2/10 mood: principal skinner grab my neck and make me feel like im being assaulted asmr |
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thanksgiving is here, and man it hasbeen so fucking boring, food is good, i feel like a fat ass though. maybe its because i have problems, but you get the point. everything else has been...fine. i work this weekend, which is okay, its money and i like it. once i get enough for my ussr uniform...its all over for the people at my school. i went out with my friends though, as much as i hate being outside due to a numorious amount of reasons, getting to hit my fwb in public and tell my friends about industrial music was good. might add some more stuff here, i think ill add my creative writing horror story on here.
depression: 4/10, anxiety: 5/10 mood: falls to my knees in front of an ss general before kicking his knees in |
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i'm gonna start this and say that im jewish, always have been, always will be, i dont eat pork at all and i got a fat ass BUT. listen. centricide fucked up my brain so that i see a character that is the personafication of the altright, a nazi, and i go "wow...i sure hope this doesn't give me a very niche fetish!" i can't be a nazi, like, the main part of being one is antisemitism, you can still be altright and be jewish (ben shapiro) but like, not a nazi. i just think that being called a sympathizier by one, esp authright, would be uh. um. well lets just put it my dick has been in shambles since. anyways work sucks i hate my life brrr boo you stink!!
depression: 6/10, anxiety: 4/10 mood: this is why i cant find a nice jewish boy isnt it v |
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so, i've been doing okay. albeit my arm still hurts because i opened it up nice and well, i'll draw it if anybody is interested but like. yeah, its nice though, i like having something to take care of, it may sound odd but having an open wound keeps me taking showers and being healthy, because i know if i fuck up it will get infected and i'll get yelled at and threatened to be put in the hospital. my grandmother is going to florida for the funeral, my mom is glad that she's leaving considering everything about her, i might show her falsettos or something. as well, we started our unit on horror in creative writing, i was originally going to write about an early 2000s school shooter, i really do, but also i don't want the school to be considering. i've never been a columbine person myself, it just never interested me, but the mindset behind the general school shooter has fascinated me, when i was around 11 i had a character who shot up schools. i don't think i understood really the meaning behind that, but here i am. anyways smash that like button if you think i should disturb my class!
depression: 3/10, anxiety: 4/10 mood: i cant find the stupid jazhaz russian movie im rage |
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well, my grandmother's sister died today. i never knew her that well, she came to holiday parties and from what i could tell, was a nice lady, she spent the last few days of her life angry, sad, but surronded by her loved ones. sadly, we live in new england, and florida is a COVID hell hole. i know that's not the main reason why i'm upset, my mom has been getting worse in her health, and the fact of the matter is, my grandmother is extremely emotionally and verbally abusive towards her and im sick and tired of it. if murder was legal i'd kill her, i hate seeing my mom sad, she's been the only person who's supported me through my life and she deserves thanks for that. i'll probably just cut myself, i haven't done it in a while, it makes me feel better and stings.
depression: 6/10, anxiety: 2/10 mood: throws myself in front of traffic |
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halloween is soon and im so fucking ready for it, tomorrow me and my friends r going to smoke weed and watch scary movies and up until halloween im just going to be having a good time, i dont work this weekend either which helps my cause as well. finally, i feel not like shit! it will probably be back to the depression grind in a week or so, but for right now, things are actually decent, i know, quite impressive. i'm being patrick bateman for halloween, which says a lot, i too, hate women, love to kill and am a petty little bitch. it's a known fact. fake blood btw is so wonderful, if it was socially allowed i'd wear it all the time. anyways, i hope my albert fish page looks decent, i hate and love that cunt, horrible disgusting piece of shit man but also, AWOOOOGA AWOOOOOOGA!! i might do one for H. H holmes bc he is also very good, and that german cannibal guy? also good.
depression: 2/10, anxiety: 6/10 mood: makes out with a serial killer viciously |
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well, as you can tell i've been working on the website a lot recently, no more to the ye-olde things, and into...whatever the hell this shit is! the old diary will be kept up but i'll be archiving it. maybe i'll link it at the bottom if you want to see it, i dunno. anyways, life goes on, i still feel awful but at least im doing good in school, A's and B's, which is deranged. i'm so use to failing that suceeding feels awful. the site will eventually catch up. so don't worry about it
depression: 3/10, anxiety: 5/10 mood: coding is fucking hard man!! |
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i promise i don't always mean to do these on thursdays, it just so happens that these are the only day i have energy. i can't explain how miserable i am, L is dating one of my friends, which is fine, i'm happy for him! go bisexual king go! my other crush is straight and now i am utterly upset, i shouldn't be, love isn't everything but a hole is in my heart for a breakup that never happened. as well i've been feeling just shitty, i worry constantly for my mother's health, anytime i'm happy its in fleeting moments and when i cut myself it does nothing, even the blood doesn't satisfy me. i might try again today, before i get fucked by my fwb of course, they do well in engaging with me in my weird fetishes. we use to date, my fwp, that is, the relationship was awful but at least i learned that perhaps getting into a relationship out of feeing bad for somebody is not a good thing! who would have guessed. i'll add more soon, slowly i'm getting through the dirt and slime.
depression: 6/10, anxiety: 5/10 mood: sigh... |
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i think i have a crush on somebody and i dont know what to do, for name's sake his name will be L ; he's this very smart , dorky sort of guy , who really likes new wave and old tech. we've known eachother for going on three years now and i'm...i don't know how to put it other than ohhh my gdd he's so nice and i. i love him a lot . i hope he's bisexual because i've notice the fact i always seem to fall in love with straight men, which sucks! i am a gay man who doesn't want to feel weird after realizing i've been reading the signs wrong, yknow? other than that, life is...okay. i tried to kill myself two weeks ago, i didnt go to hospital, which is good. i suck at hanging myself apparently.
depression: 5/10, anxiety: 4/10mood: men?!??# |